In the presence of non-drinkers, I never thought about drinking.
Jack London
Stopping drinking is difficult but possible. Only a truly loved one can help in such a situation. Those who try to help an alcoholic stop drinking, save him to solve some of his problems (for example, housing), will achieve nothing. Love alone is not enough to get rid of the most difficult addiction, you still need to know what to do. Because it happens that the strongest and noblest human feeling in a given situation makes relatives, by rescuing an alcoholic, create the wrong stereotype of a relationship with him. As a result, they only contribute to the development of alcoholism, and themselves become addicted.
The traditional role played by alcoholic relatives, most often the wife, is the role of "nanny". In the classic version, the "nanny" does everything possible and impossible to keep the family afloat, and those around them do not know about the presence of alcohol problems. She takes care of the family, maintains order in the house, raises children, and this upbringing also has its own characteristics: children are taught from an early age not to take "dirty bedding in public". The relationship with the "half" who drinks the "nanny" depends on the condition in which that "half" is. During the drunkenness, the "nanny" watches over the alcoholic: he finds him in the places where he drinks and brings him home; he calls to work and says he is ill; tries to neutralize his aggression, often enduring beatings and insults; feeds him and washes him.
During the sober period, the "nanny" can continue to protect and please the alcoholic, hoping that this will prevent him from drinking, or, on the contrary, as if he is behaving, burden him with various deeds and duties. In both cases, after a while, another intoxication develops and everything starts all over again. Such a cyclic relationship algorithm can exist for arbitrarily long. Not only does the "nanny" by her actions only worsen the development of alcoholism, - in the end, she herself can no longer live differently. That is why so often the wives of alcoholics, when they remarry, re-choose drunks or drug addicts as their companions.
The general rule for all relatives, regardless of who is ill with them - husband, wife, father, mother, son, daughter - does nothing to contribute to the development of addiction. This means the following:
The person who drinks must solve their problems on their own.
Well, since he creates them himself, let him decide. Otherwise they will not have a barrier before the next drink as they will be hoping for your help. Sometimes it becomes absurd: the husband drank the whole "family pot" for drinking, there is nothing in the house, and the wife runs after her acquaintances, borrows money to pay her husband's debts, which he made while drunk.
Trying to save money, you don't have to call an alcoholic to work and say that he is seriously and suddenly ill. First, it’s not good to cheat - don’t set a bad example for children; second, after two or three such calls, no one will simply believe you and at least laugh at you quietly; and third - today you will save him from a simple thump, which might prevent him, and tomorrow he will drink even harder and eventually lose his job.
It is completely unacceptable, from our point of view, a situation where compassionate relatives buy alcohol themselves to make an alcoholic drunk. With the same success, you can offer your loved ones medication or some other poison.
treatment is not always pleasant and painless.
If, for example, a person has an abscess somewhere on the body, then you can hide it under clothing, pour deodorant so that there is no odor, create conditions for the person to greenhouse to move less and not feel pain. As a result, all this will lead to the development of sepsis and death. If, despite the pain, the abscess opens, the antibiotic is "punctured", even though it is quite painful, there is a high probability that the person will recover.
You have to keep your promises, and if you can’t keep them, it’s better not to give.
Alcoholics, addicts, and drug addicts are very sensitive to where it is possible to achieve something and where categorical rejection will occur. In this respect, they are like children, so they should be communicated with as often as children: where necessary - praise, and where necessary - punish. But no, even the most insignificant episode related to alcohol use should go unnoticed, and, of course, the degree of "punishment" needs to match the degree of "offense". And don't be confused by the solid age and representative appearance of the "guilty". Healthy carrot and stick policies often work well across a wide range of age and social groups.
So, for example, if a wife promises her husband that she will divorce him in case of a new binge, and he literally comes "on the eyebrows" that night, then at least the next day she should write a divorce statement and ask her husband to sign thatagrees. A request made to the registry office can always be taken away, but practice shows: such decisive actions make the husband think about his problems much faster than numerous reproaches and unfulfilled promises.
Your attitude towards alcohol should be constantly negative.
Any consumption of alcohol, even the smallest, even the smell of steam, should not be left without your negative rating. That doesn't mean you have to make scandals with breaking dishes every time. Under no circumstances should you do so - such "clashes" will only lead to the fact that the alcoholic with a clear conscience will "relieve stress" and will gladly tell sympathetic friends who drink who his bitch’s wife is and drink exclusively because of her. Such situations should be discussed calmly, naturally - on a sober head, analyze their reasons and draw the right conclusions. It should look something like this:
- Expensive! You drank again at the party yesterday, despite a promise not to. It was very embarrassing to me because at the end of the evening you looked completely rude and coming back from you was just intimidating, you were behaving so aggressively.
- You see, yesterday I was in a very bad mood due to trouble at work, so I decided to have a drink, so as not to spoil the mood of others with my appearance. And next to me was the host's husband, who was constantly pouring for me, so I didn't have time to eat. And the vodka was probably of poor quality - I still have a headache. Probably a factor as to why they're doing so poorly.
- It seemed to me that if a man gives his word, then it should be kept! It turns out that it is easier for you to break a given promise than to say "no" when they pour you vodka!
- Understand. . .
- No, I don't understand! Let's not fool ourselves! In the last year, we have to talk about this more and more often - I think it is time for consultations with experts.
- You need to - you are treated.
- First, we need both, and second, no one will treat you, we will just talk to a psychotherapist about how to behave in some situations related to drinking.
Sometimes such a conversation is enough for a person with alcohol problems to agree to come to us, but more often he resists in all possible ways, citing lack of free time, the futility of this visit and many other "valid" reasons. You have to be determined and with each new episode of alcohol you insist more and more on your own. Moreover, if the conversations are ineffective, do not hesitate to use other methods of pressure that should be prompted by your intuition and knowledge of the character of your loved one. By the way, do not forget to occasionally remind that in developed countries every more or less respectable person has his own psychologist, with whom he meets occasionally. And having it is not as embarrassing as, for example, driving a hunchbacked "Zaporozhets".
All conversations with an alcoholic should have a specific logical conclusion.
Every conversation you have, every dispute over an existing alcohol problem should end in some kind of constructive decision. Under no circumstances should you stop halfway and allow your patient’s alcoholic "I" to once again deceive everyone and force them to postpone actual actions against alcohol indefinitely. Because usually such conversations end with the promise of the alcoholic that he will stop drinking, and everyone formally calms down. It is clear that after a while everything repeats itself again, and so on - indefinitely. So, if your drinking cousin tells you that he understood, understood, deeply regrets and that he will no longer be like this, take his word for it that if he still drinks at least once (no matter how much), you will go to a psychologist together.
When rescuing from drunkenness, do not drink in the presence of an alcoholic.
The smartest thing a patient's relative can do is not to drink or keep alcohol at home. Alcohol in such a house can be in only one form - as part of external disinfectants (iodine, brilliant green and the like). And although many of our patients, who have not drunk for many years, feel completely calm in drinking companies and are indifferent to alcohol, it is better to play it safe. The fewer provocative factors, the calmer. This is the first, and second, remember the following:
The situation is not very promising when one alcoholic, who is categorically not considered as such, is educated and tries to help another alcoholic "more successful" in creating (along with the Green Snake) everyday and social problems. Clearly, appeals to a sober life sound unconvincing if they inhale smoke on you, and the difference between a sick person and a similar "healthy" person is that the latter has not yet lost his job and his wife has not yet left him.
Don’t hide the fact that your loved one has an alcohol problem.
It’s not an urgent need to tell everyone about your husband’s drunken ploys. No, but you shouldn’t fool anyone, fool around, pretending you don’t know anything. Under no circumstances should you deceive children, let alone make them lie. As a rule, they know and understand everything perfectly.
If you are sure that involving people who have an impact on the alcoholic in solving problems: parents, grown children, friends, bosses, colleagues, will help promote the cause - do not hesitate to tell them everything and ask for help.
The conversation with the alcoholic must be meaningful.
It is not enough to say that he drinks a lot and often. For him, this is an empty phrase. You need to prepare in advance to talk to an alcoholic, especially if you are going to involve someone else in this. To do this, it will be helpful to record the frequency of alcohol episodes, the degree of intoxication, and the behavior in this condition. Simply put, you need to keep a diary and preferably with illustrations. That is, if it is possible to record drunken flights on video, it must be done, and you will discuss the moral and ethical aspects of such actions when you save a loved one about the consequences of a severe and incurable disease.
An alcoholic needs to be given objective information about his illness.
The drunk unconsciously perceives any information one-sidedly: he hears and sees only what he wants, and what he does not want - he ignores, not paying attention to it. Of course, only information that does not harm the friendship with the Green Snake is allowed into consciousness. The role of the censor is precisely that alcoholic "I", the inner voice that sounds in every alcoholic and in every possible way justifies, conceals and adjusts everything related to drinking norms.
In this regard, in order for all negative information about the disease and its consequences to reach the addressee, it is necessary to take a creative approach to solving the problem. You won't get anywhere if you stick all the walls with newspaper clippings and anti-alcohol posters. But if, as a coincidence, you say that one of your mutual acquaintances, who, by the way, was a few years younger than you, is already in the other world, and his next drink is to blame for that, the alcoholic might be thoughtful.
One of our patients "woke up" (in his words) after he barely recognized his school friend in one of the homeless people peeking through the trash.
Let the alcoholic read our book, it is specially written to make it interesting for everyone to read.
Help the sober "I" alcoholic.
Don’t wait for an alcoholic to start changing his life stereotype, but actively (but not intrusively) help him with that. Take him to the cinema, theaters, sports fields, take him out of town, meet interesting people. And the alcoholic himself (if, of course, he is still socially adapted) often makes this very difficult, because he is in constant weather problems - the lion’s share of his time is taken by the Green Snake. And he has already lost the habit of such events, he does not know from which side he would approach them.